Lost and Found : Myself

How many a times did you resort to things like music, food, shopping, running, playing, watching a movie, partying, drinking, smoking, etc. when you were feeling low? Every time. Right? I know. I've been there, done that. I felt low for almost five years and a half, and took one year and a half to heal, and I'm still healing.
And just like yours, the reasons were many, and I always found them around me. Heartbreak, betrayal, abuse (sexual and emotional), criticism, burden of expectations, burden of the past, burden of the future, and many more similar things made my present drown in my own tears. Every day was a burden, which increased with time. I started listening to music, Linkin Park mostly (unfortunately its lead vocalist, Chester Bennington committed suicide because of his recurrent depression) , as I found him singing and screaming on my behalf and perfectly putting my pain in the lyrics. I actually don't remember when it all started. It had become a habit to carry earphones everywhere. Reason? I didn't want to talk to anyone on my way home, or to the market, or while taking a walk after dinner during my stay in hostel. I kept the conversations short, kept myself busy with work or studies.
Later on, I started participating in college functions. It made me feel better. Talking to people, dancing, concerts, travelling once in a while, shopping, eating, etc. made me feel better. I thought to myself, " this is it! This is the solution to all my problems. I should socialize." It went on for about six months. Partying, laughing with everyone, eating out, listening to music, going to concerts and what not. People used to call me the most chilled out girl. But, somewhere I started feeling hollow. I searched for more songs, downloaded even more, watched more movies, went out more and danced more. I knew I was getting anxious day by day. I just wanted to lay in my bed all day but my mind kept reminding me of things I had to do everyday. It was horrible. I started developing symptoms; headaches, muscle spasms, temporo-mandibular joint (TMJ; a joint between your skull and the lower jaw) pain, weight gain, and sleepless nights. One day I felt completely lost. I still remember screaming at the music and throwing away my earphones and my phone. I screamed, "STOP!!!!". The chaos in my head finally wanted some silence, but when the music stopped, I heard my thoughts getting louder. I rushed to the washroom, left the tap open in the bucket to let it cover my sobs. When it didn't work, I stuffed a part of my hand towel in my mouth and cried out loud. My voice died in that stuffed cloth. After an hour or so, I took a shower and went to bed. I could hardly sleep. The pain in my TMJ was unbearable.
Next day I went to one of my Professors who is a specialist in Oral and Maxillofacial Surgery. After taking a detailed history of my TMJ pain, she asked me if I'm stressing too much on something. I denied and laughed it off. She prescribed a few muscle relaxants and a soft splint to be worn at night on teeth to prevent clenching forces affect my jaw joint. This was my lost and distracted self. Over a period of time I had distracted myself with every thing possible. I was anxious and depressed at the same time.
It was almost a fortnight since I was on medication, now on steroids to relieve the pain. Nothing happened, so I stopped taking medicines. I went home. It was a Sunday and I was cleaning my bookshelf. There I found an old album from my school. I looked at my old pictures; a brilliant, strong, confident and a happy girl. In the process of distracting myself, I was lost. Those pictures made me realize that I'm done with this chaos. I didn't want to stay like that anymore. I wanted to be happy again, and this time, I knew that I have to look inside.
My sister was a Buddhism practitioner. She introduced me to the philosophy of Lotus Sutra. That night, I practiced with the determination of getting rid of the physical pain. Nothing happened on the first day. I gave it another shot on the next day and I think I had the best sleep that night in ages. Something had changed. I practiced for almost a year. It was a bumpy road but, it did take me a long way ahead. I started socializing again, and this time, I spoke to people about what was going on with me, only to find that there were so may people facing things similar or sometimes even severe than what I had faced. I started telling them about how our mind, or to be honest, our soul has healing powers.
One day when I visited my sister in Mumbai, I went to her work place where she handed me over Many Lives Many Masters-a book by DR. Brian Weiss, a famous Psychiatrist in the USA. We also had a meditation session with an energy healer over there. Trust me, it was horrible. I wanted to run away because my whole body was aching. He told me," it is just like another bumpy road, keep travelling and you'll definitely reach somewhere". I came back and started reading the book. It was like I was reading about myself. So beautifully explained about everything that I was going through. And it didn't have a philosophical tone. What I read were real life clinical cases of depression and some were of physical illnesses which disappeared after the patients did their soul searching and even beyond that. I don't want to ruin what the book has for you, so I'm not going into the details of it. But, it was a strong force behind my ability to find myself. It's been two years that my bumpy meditation road has smoothed out. Lotus Sutra made me solve my physical and immediate environment, but meditation made me find my soul. I realized that I had been carrying a huge baggage of my harsh past on my shoulders. I realized how my childhood traumas haunted me in my adulthood. So, I threw it away, and freed myself. I felt lighter, brighter, independent, complete, fearless and happier.
I'm a professional dentist today, but I took the road to healing myself and helping others heal themselves way back. I keep meeting people one after the other who had hit the rock bottom, somewhere I once had lost myself at. Many of them are on a similar road as mine, and I guess this is how we will have a happier world. I'm grateful to have hit that rock bottom because that's where lies the foundation of what I have built today. I look back and I smile at myself that I found my life purpose out of my "once the worst times". I'll continue to walk on the same road in this life and in many more lives to come. No matter how many a times I get lost, I know I'll find myself. The light that guides you through is right there inside of you. Just look closer. And if you think that nobody is listening, trust me, I will. I'm dropping an email ID here ( iamlisteningtoyou247@gmail.com) in case you feel lost and are thinking that there's no way out. Together we'll fight this, together we'll find a way.


-Dr. Anushikha Dhankhar